


A Court of Dreams and Ivy

by LilyMJFae



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, because i don't know which way it's gonna go yet, look i tagged both ships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:54:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25780045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyMJFae/pseuds/LilyMJFae
Summary: Elain had been content in her human. Content to spend her days gardening and loving Greyson. Then it was ripped from her. And now she has to learn to come to terms with the drastic differences of her life. A power that she has little understanding of. Recovering from heartbreak. Dealing with the aftermath of a war that she was both involved and excluded from. Dealing with the fact that she has a mate, and learning what it means to her. But she doesn't want to face those things, choosing instead to bury her focus in cooking and gardening. Anything to avoid coming to terms with her life, meanwhile hoping that things might be able to return to the way they were once upon a time.
Relationships: Elain Archeron & Azriel, Elain Archeron & Feyre Archeron, Elain Archeron & Feyre Archeron & Nesta Archeron, Elain Archeron & Lucien Vanserra, Elain Archeron & Nesta Archeron, Elain Archeron/Azriel, Elain Archeron/Lucien Vanserra
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short chapter. I hope to get them to be longer as time goes. To have more detail and things going on. But I just needed to get this out and this is where it naturally ended. I hope you guys enjoy this start and I hope you enjoy it as the story comes. 
> 
> Also, for this first chapter, anything that is bolded, is a direct quote from ACOMAF. Which only pertains to three spoken pieces. But those are not mine. Those words belong to Sarah herself.

Cold. The kind of cold that is all encompassing and chills you down to your bones so that you feel you’ll never be warm again. That’s what I felt as my body was shoved into that cauldron, as my head was pressed under the liquid, which filled my mouth and lungs from my own sobs. But warmth began to wrap around her. And she saw a warm light, like the sun just peaking over the hills in the morning. _Elain. Elain_. A voice felt like it was all around her. Familiar and not. Young and ancient. _So sweet. So kind. Sweet and loving Elain_. Fear still gripped at my heart, my very being. I felt my body changing. Like growing pains all over again, only gentler, more tingling.

 _Do not fear_ , The voice whispered against her being. _I will not hurt you. Sweet, gentle Elain. I wish to give you something_.

I didn’t really have time to understand, though I felt another strong tingling through my body before I was falling. Cold stone hit my skin, and my night gown clung, soaked against my skin. I was freezing. But it almost didn’t matter as I gasped for air. My lungs burned with the feeling. No one was moving. Everything was so still but so loud, even without words. So many heartbeats. My own racing, my sisters’. The breathing of those in the room. The pained, rasping breaths of Cassian and Azriel. Azriel’s heartbeating so much slower than the others. The poison, the injury.

I shivered again, holding myself up on my hands.

**_“Don’t just leave her on the damned floor_.”**

I heard the steps, so loud in my ears, and felt the presence of the male. But I pulled back. I couldn’t, I didn’t want to be touched, even as I felt the coat over me. But then Nesta…Oh Nesta. She fought every inch of the way to that awful thing. I couldn’t bring myself to look, to watch Nesta. And that ate at me. For being too scared. But I couldn’t control my own body, convulsing from the cold, trying to drown out the beating hearts, the breathing, every little noise that flooded my ears. The sound of Feyre vomiting on the ground.

I wasn’t sure how much time passed from the moment Nesta’s screams were drowned out to the time I heard the water begin to tilt. But I was entirely unprepared for the male that grabbed me. I sobbed silently in his arms. I still couldn’t look, even as I heard Nesta hit the ground. As I heard her get up and move. I could feel it. She was… _different_. 

Her steps came running from for me. And suddenly I was ripped from the arms around me and Nesta was holding me. _“ **Get off her!”**_

She was murmuring my name, looking me over. But my gaze had met the male’s. The red head. I knew him. I knew him before I even met him. He was Feyre’s friend. But I felt something…something snap right in my heart as our gazes met.

His own gaze turned almost a bit…feral. Possessive even.

**_“You’re my mate_.”**

And then I stopped hearing everything. I drowned everything out. Mate. I knew in my heart what that could mean. In my being. Though I didn’t know much about the fae world. Everything I knew came from… _Greyson_. Greyson.

Oh gods. Greyson would hate me. The fae. I was now exactly everything Greyson and his family hated. Worked so hard to fight. Would it be possible for him to even love me anymore? Surely he knew I would never have wanted this for myself. He could see that. Perhaps we could fix it. Together.

The roaring silence I’d found disappeared as Feyre made a noise. Looked to her, before having to almost immediately cover my eyes at the bright light exuding from her. And I knew…I saw what she was doing. Images flashed before my eyes of Feyre in spring. Of Nesta sitting in a chair with a book. Of Cassian’s wings healing and Azriel…Of Rhys heartbroken. I saw the bond between him and my sister and I understood that the bond was unbreakable.

But Feyre…Feyre asked the king to break that bond. And there was a feeling in the pit of my stomach, like it was wrong. So very wrong to say it.

Everything from there was a blur. Almost…unreal and I couldn’t even bring myself to react as that heartbreak turned numbing. Feyre begging. And then…she fell, fainting. Her arm suddenly free of the black mark. Her mate crawling towards his brothers. The blonde disappearing and then reappearing near myself, nesta, and the redhead. The male who _my_ mate…was suddenly pushed away by the blonde. I felt her hand on my arm, and in an instant light was gone. The ground beneath my feet no longer existed. And then suddenly ground was there. Windows and starlight greeted my gaze.

I broke the stare as I heard the noise of Rhysand, Cassian and Azriel landing near us. The blood….those wings. It would take a miracle for them to heal. But they would. And I couldn’t explain how I knew it, but I could see Cassian’s wings healed. See him flying. See him in a flock and diving away from the flock suddenly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elain struggles to adjust to the world around her in her new body, not yet understanding everything that's changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Chapter 2.   
> I think this is the last of what I wanted to preface from the books. These just felt like important moments to capture from Elain's point of view. But now It will probably take place after ACOFAS.  
> Also bear with me. I'm trying to incorporate Elain's seer ability as a thing that gives her understanding and answers, even if it's not whole answers. And things like that.  
> As with chapter one, anything in BOLD face type, is directly from the book. Not mine. Should be the last time i use that too.

Days lost meaning. Time itself no longer existed. I could not tell sleep from waking. Food held no appeal. In many ways there wasn’t even an attachment to my body. It felt foreign and strange. It was no longer the body I knew. So many images and sounds frequently blurred together. Nesta was the most familiar being. But she was changed too. Changed like me. And her anger…it was amplified. I wish I could have felt even that. Felt anything. But everything felt too far away. Emotions felt unreadable. The only thing I had that could ground me even slightly was the iron engagement ring. A ring that was meant to offer protection from…from the likes of what I was now. The fact that I remained unharmed by it removed all sense of security.

Feyre was gone. In the Spring court once more. And we knew nothing about how she was doing. Rhys could barely hear her. But I could barely hear them over the sound of the ocean. The waves crashing. And the wind. They’d called this the house of wind, I think. But none of that mattered. The only thing I could think about was Greyson. Was he worried about me? Had anyone noticed we’d been taken? Would he look for me? Could he accept me as I what I had become? I prayed over and over and over again.

 _Let him understand_.

_He has to understand._

_I never wanted this_.

 _I would never be a child of the blessed_.

But in my heart, I knew. He’d never accept me. And even if he did. His father wouldn’t. But the wedding was fast approaching, and I wasn’t there. I had no way home. I likely wouldn’t even return in time for the wedding. The dress that hung in the wardrobe, would never see the light of day again. The one I had worked on with the seamstress so hard for.

I rarely left my bed. But there was a sudden change in the walls. I could feel his presence. I got up from my bed, and looked out the window, though didn’t see anything. Nothing I could distinguish from reality or dreams. Nonetheless, I could tell he was in the house. Was he here to claim me? Though, Nesta would never let him. I stepped back until I hit the chair that had been put there for me. I didn’t remember when. I didn’t know who did it. But someone had given me a spot in the sunny window. Had opened the curtains one day and let in the sunlight. It made things…better. At the very least, the passage of time became easier to tell.

I sat in the chair, staring out that window. I got lost to the visions of dreams that plagued me whether I was awake or sleeping. Flashes of various things that made no sense. A feather made of flames landing in the snow over and over. A black box somewhere that I couldn’t figure out. Watching young hands wither in a minute.

Then I heard my name. From a voice I hadn’t heard in…I wasn’t sure how long exactly. _Feyre_.

**_“I’m back.”_ **

So she was. And perhaps she was my only hope, the only one who might understand, might give me what I so desperately needed. **_“I want to go home.”_**

I could hear it in her breath, before she even spoke, that I wasn’t going to return home any time soon. And then she spoke, “ ** _I know._** ”

Greyson would be worried, looking for me. And I told her as much. And she only had the same response.

**_“We were supposed to be married next week.”_ **

**_“I’m sorry.”_ **

That’s what everyone said. But it meant nothing. Sorry did nothing, changed nothing. ” ** _Everyone keeps saying that. But it doesn’t fix anything, does it.”_**

I knew that concerned Feyre. I knew it was so unlike what she was used to from me.

And I only had one answer for anything else she asked. **_I want to go home_**.

And then she left, taking hope away from me. Taking hope away that perhaps she’d want to help. I didn’t have words to figure out how to ask, I didn’t know if I could be helped. Maybe not.

* * *

It was true, they thought me mad. I knew they would, but I couldn’t stop the words from leaving. They needed to be spoken, my body wouldn’t deny the words their sound. And of course, I’d spoken to him.

He was…gentle enough. But I could feel that he was wanting. I understood, but I couldn’t give him that. Or anything. But I appreciated him speaking up. Being able to put into words what I had not. The sunshining from my window was still empty. There was nothing outside this house of wind. Not that I could tell. But Feyre agreed and so we were told we were moving. Not home. Never home again.

It was Azriel who carried me. It felt wrong, to be held by another man in such a way. But he was gentle and made sure that I was comfortable. For a moment, just in that embrace, I felt safe and protected. For a moment, things felt grounding, even though we were flying through the air. I had asked him about that once if they could fly. It was a beautiful thought. I’d never imagined I’d get to experience it for myself. But here I was, and for just a moment, I felt more awake than I had since being dumped from the cauldron in a foreign body.

When we landed, the house we were in felt more…more like a home. And at being asked if I wanted to see the garden, a little piece of me I thought I’d lost flared. So, I gave a small nod as I looked up at him. And then he offered me his arm, and there was a piece of normalcy that I desperately needed.

The blue gem against the contrast of his scarred hand was so fascinatingly beautiful. And I found myself curious about everything for just a moment. But then I had a subtle understanding, something of darkness and loneliness. So, I simply told him what I felt. **_“Beautiful.”_**

He led me through the house, and I felt my sister watching. But I didn’t care. There was finally something freeing. And stepping into that garden, the smell of various flowers hitting me, for a moment, it felt like home. Not the manor. But the little shack.

Azriel led me over to a small bench, allowing me to sit before he sat on the opposite end. He didn’t try to speak. Didn’t try to pry. He didn’t seem to expect anything of me. Just wanted to give me a place to sit in comfort. And it was something I realized that I needed more than the instance I felt from those around me to live as I had. Because everything was different. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elain deals with learning that Nesta is being removed from Velaris. Things seem tense for her. And she's having to navigate the way her relationships with her sisters are changing.

Nesta was leaving Velaris. Not by her own choice. No. Because our sister and her friends had decided that Nesta needed to be elsewhere. I struggled to understand how they could just send her away. Send her away to that war camp we’d briefly stayed in. It was more of a vague blur of memory than anything to me. But I remember how it felt. Cold. Uninviting. Dangerous. They’d asked if she was a witch, and she’d said yes. And it terrified them. And now, she was being sent back there. With only Cassian.

It’s not that I was mad she was leaving. No. I was furious. Furious for how they were treating my sister. Furious for how _Feyre_ could treat her sister, for all she’d begun to tout about the past being forgiven. Didn’t she see that Nesta was still struggling? No. I suppose if she could buy my buried response, she could ignore Nesta’s too. I was also furious that once again, I had been excluded from the little conversation. I was well enough for them to let me wander and garden and cook for them. But not enough that I could be involved in any important decisions, especially as they revolved around _my_ family.

That rage went into the dough I was kneading, pressing my palms into firmly over and over. Lifting and letting it fall just a little harder than I usually might have as it hit the counter. Feyre walked in and looked at me.

“Is something wrong?” she asked.

I forgot, easily, that my sisters were not used to anything other than me being happy. Anything other than smiling. When I had been an empty shell, I could feel their discomfort. Feyre’s discomfort. And though it still was how I felt more often than not, I always tried to at least put on a face for her.

“You’re sending Nesta away,” I said, pressing firmly into the dough.

“How-“she paused. As if trying to figure out how I already knew. But I could see her just writing it off. Someone told me, probably Azriel. “She isn’t happy here.”

“You think she’ll be happy back in those freezing mountains, in that camp where we were very _unwelcome_. Where they were terrified of her?”

“Elain…”

“You should have included me, Feyre.” I slammed my hands down into the dough, holding myself up straight on my arms, and looked up at her. “She’s my sister too. This is my home now too. Or am I also unwelcome now?”

“Elain, it’s different- “

“Why? How is it different?”

“She’s-you’re-“She couldn’t find the words to fit whatever she wanted to say.

“She’s angry and I’m better?” I offered. Because she was wrong about that. I was not better. I just got better at hiding it. So, no one had to walk on eggshells or treat me with kid gloves.

“No-She’s just…”

“You can’t justify it, can you? And you can’t justify leaving me out of it.”

I didn’t care if my measly one vote would have been overridden. I deserved a say. And I knew it. Azriel. Lucien. They’d have agreed. It was Azriel who’d told me about the meeting. Who’d helped me learn to listen in without being present, as the meeting had been held at the house of wind. I had been left at the town house. If I had been present, I’d have stormed in.

“Elain, I just want her to sort through it. She wouldn’t accept help from us. And she wasn’t getting help anywhere else. We thought a change of scenery, of what she could do, would be good for her,” Feyre said.

“And your reason for not including me?”

Feyre looked away. She didn’t have an answer for that. Not a good one anyway.

“I knew what you’d want. And I didn’t want you to be hurt.”

“I’m not a porcelain doll, Feyre,” I told her. “I’m not something fragile. I’m tired of you keeping me out of the loop of what’s going on around me. I deserve to be included. I deserved to be aware of what was going on in the war. I deserved to be able to protect myself.”

Only Azriel had truly seen that. Azriel had taken time to speak with me. He hadn’t been able to teach me much in any kind of defense before the war, being busy as he was. But he still made time for me. It was part of why I’d appreciated him enough to give him a solstice present. Him and Nuala and Cerridwen, the ones who’d become my friends in that isolation.

“Elain, you were…so broken, I didn’t want to put that on you.”

“That wasn’t your decision to make, Feyre.”

I hadn’t even realized how much it bothered me. But I’d been lured in by the cauldron. The face of the man I’d loved, turned against me. And then I’d been kidnapped. And held. I had no way of even hoping to get out of Hybern’s camp on my own. All because they’d been content to keep me on my own and out of everything.

“Elain, I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d want to be a part of the fighting.”

“I would have liked the choice. At the very least, the choice to defend myself.”

I finally took a breath and looked away from her and down to the dough, rolling it into a ball before placing it in a bowl and covering it with a towel.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I was afraid of you getting hurt anymore than you’d already been…”

I sighed, as I looked back at my sister. My sister, whom had always been stronger than me. She’d always protected me, just as Nesta had. She’d always bought me the seeds for that garden. And for everything she’d done for me, I felt like I could never make it up to her for how I failed her in the past.

“Please, just don’t leave me out of things. Especially if it has to do with our family. Nesta is my sister too. And she should have been included in that talk. I should have been. And she deserved to know she had someone on her side.”

I loved both my sisters. And while I knew that Nesta was harder for the others to understand, I couldn’t let her be pushed away like that without fighting for her. I couldn’t sit by as I had in the past, letting things happen as they would.

“What if I want to see her?”

“I don’t think- “

“She’s our sister. I will not let her go without knowing I can go and visit her. Or that she can come and visit me. I will find someone who would take me to her if you don’t. Or I will go with her.”

At that, Feyre paused. “Alright. I will make sure that you are able to visit her. So long as she wants you to.”

I gave her a hard look. I know why she said. Referencing what I’d told her Nesta had told me when I tried to invite her for solstice. I’d probably been the only one truly happy she showed. Maybe…maybe Cassian too.

“I am going to the garden,” I said to her, dismissing myself from the room.

* * *

I knocked on the door to the seedy apartment Nesta stayed in, a basket of goodies in my hand. I wanted to see her off. And I wanted her to have something to hold on to, even if just for a while. Each second that passed as I waited for her to open the door was agony. Had I missed her already? Was she out, trying to enjoy her last dredges of time in the city? I could try to find her on my own, but I’d felt so sure of just going straight to her home first.

I was getting ready to knock again when the door opened. Nesta’s harsh stare greeted me, and I wanted to smile. But she was leaving. And that alone made me sad. “I wanted to come say goodbye, before you left,” I said quietly. And then I held out the basket. “And bring you some things. There’s some bread, and rolls. And a few of the fruit tarts. I learned how to make them. Just…just for you.”

It had been a treat Nesta enjoyed when we had been human once. And I hoped she still enjoyed them. I’d gotten help from Nuala and Cerridwen, one of the many things they’d taught me how to cook.

She merely stepped aside though, letting me in. I saw a bag on her couch, clothes and various other possessions lying around. A few books lie in the bag, the ones I’d gotten her at Solstice. I was glad that she at least wanted those with her.

“Did you know?” she asked flatly. I knew her well enough to know that it was her walls being put up in place.

“No. At least, they didn’t include me in any of it,” I told her. I hadn’t told either of them about the things I’d learned from my new friends on gather information. “They made the decision away from the townhouse.”

“I should have known.”

I moved to set the basket that she hadn’t taken next to the bag she was packing.

“I would have fought for you.”

She didn’t respond as she closed the door and returned to the pile of clothes as she examined them. I walked over to stand next to her and looked. “Did you want any help packing?”

“Eager to get me gone?”

I looked at her shocked. Hadn’t I just told her I’d have fought for her? “No. Why would I want you to be?”

“Because you belong here. You have your life and it’s working out quite well for you.”

This again. The thing she’d told me at solstice for why she wanted nothing to do with us or the inner circle.

“Nesta, you belong here too,” I assured her. She should know that someone loved her, that someone wanted her here.

“No, I don’t.”

It was like she had no fight in her to do anything other than what she was told.

“I will come visit you. I promise, Nesta.”

She finally looked at me, and the look in her eyes was not one usually directed at me. “Why?”

“Because you’re my sister. Because I love you. Because I don’t want you to be alone.”

“Maybe that’s what I want. Maybe I don’t want you to come visit me.”

That shock and pain only bit deeper. “Nesta- “

“There’s no reason for you to disturb your life on my account,” she stated.

I didn’t like that. The way that coldness, her walls, were spreading to push me away too. It had never been like that between us. Not until…everything started to fall apart.

“Nesta, you’re my sister. You’re my best friend…Why would you think it would disturb my life.”

“You always want me to come to you. You don’t want to go where I go. I know you have a distaste for it. And that’s fine. You don’t have to go to the clubs like your friends. So, you don’t have to go into a violent war camp for me.”

I was at a loss for words. Perhaps…she had her point. But I still tried. I tried to keep her in my life, tried to be a part of hers and she fought against it.

My silence had to have gone on too long, letting her read something between the lines that wasn’t there, “I have to finish packing,” she said. A simple dismissal as she pointed at the door.

“I will come see you,” I promised. Though I stepped through the door, respecting her wishes, and hoping that at the very least she wouldn’t turn me away when I did visit her. I would go to her. I would show her that she mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i hadn't intended for such confrontations so early. But it happened. I'm also still figuring out how I want to incorporate things into this, so flashbacks are coming. Explanations are coming. I promise.  
> Nesta's attitude is based largely around ACOFAS. We know she was also pushing Elain away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elain runs into Lucien as she walks home from an upsetting visit from her sister. They have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, Elain is just.......apparently getting feelings out with everyone xD I really don't know what's going to happen yet. I think the next chapter will be slightly more exciting. I might also try to elongate chapters but we'll see.

The walk home was brisk, I’d only grabbed a light cloak in my rush to make sure I hadn’t missed Nesta. I shivered, clutched the light fabric tightly against the early spring air as dusk began to creep closer. I just walked, eyes looking down at the ground ahead of me. Feyre still felt a need to protect me and keep me uninvolved. No matter the times I tried to push past it. No matter that I had stabbed Hybern to save my sister. And Nesta…Nesta had reached a point where she was even pushing me away, something she’d never done until this whole mess. I wondered if I’d done something to upset her, though I couldn’t think of anything. Unless it had to do with me wanting to be involved.

I shook my head, trying to rub my arms for some warmth. A small weight pressed over my shoulders, heat already radiating from it. I stopped, pausing for a moment, wondering who might have wanted to grab me before cursing myself that I didn’t bring anyone along. But the smell, was far too familiar. Cinnamon and light. I didn’t even understand how light could have a smell, but it reminded me of the sun’s light. Lucien.

I looked up to meet his gaze, the one of half metal. And he looked back at me. I knew he was trying to be patient. I knew that he was respecting my desired distance and failing at being patient other times. I hadn’t even used the gloves he’d bought me. They’d been a nice gesture, but something he hadn’t understood.

“Hello,” I said softly.

“Hello.”

We stood in awkward silence for a moment. I wanted to ask him what he was doing. How he’d found me. But I couldn’t form the words. I didn’t have to though.

“I was in the area and…. I sensed your distress,” he said. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. And then I saw you shivering.” He gestured to the coat he’d placed over my shoulders. “Are you okay?”

I looked away but clutched the coat tighter. I was freezing and not willing to give that warmth up. I wondered if he was now freezing, having removed it to give to me.

“I’m fine,” I said. I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk about everything with him.

“Feyre told me about Nesta…”

That set my blood boiling again. She told Lucien, who wasn’t even an active part of the house, about Nesta. But she’d kept me out of it?

“She only just told me. I’d stopped by the townhouse a little bit ago.”

“Oh.”

It was a little weird, the way he sometimes read me. Was I sending him my thoughts without realizing it? Was he trying to read me? Or was I that much of an open book?

“It must be hard, knowing that she’s leaving,” he said sympathetically.

That was an understatement. It hurt. And more so, it was painful that I seemed to be the only who cared about Nesta.

“Well it would seem no one else cares what I have to say on the subject, so it’s pointless,” I said bitterly.

He seemed almost shocked by that. I was surprising everyone today apparently.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

I glanced back at him. “Why do people bother to say sorry at all? It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t change anything.”

He seemed at a loss for words with that. It was why I never had said the words “I’m sorry” to Feyre for having failed her. It would never be enough to convey the guilt and remorse I felt for failing her. It was why I had instead chosen to help her where I could. To show I would not fail her like that again.

But still, I glanced at Lucien. I thought of the Solstice gift he’d given. It had been…thoughtful. Though I hadn’t used the gloves. And I think that was what bothered me about him. He wanted there to be something between us, but he wasn’t taking the time to try and really learn anything. He learned I liked gardening, but never put forth the effort to find what I liked about it. Like the feeling of the dirt under my nails. And feeling the soft petals and leaves, or even prickly thorns. I guess…I hadn’t tried to get to know him either. But I wasn’t sure I could give him what I was sure he wanted. There was still a break in my heart left by Greyson. And as much as I wanted to be over him, I still couldn’t look at Lucien without remembering that day in Hybern.

I looked down. “I…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so harsh,” I said, despite my words moments before. “It wasn’t your fault she’s leaving. And it wasn’t your fault I was left out. I’m just upset.”

There was a release of breath and I swear he felt relieved at something honest from me. “I wish that there was more I could do for you.”

I felt bad. I knew what the mating bond meant to him. To any of the fae. But I had never wanted it. Had never asked for it. I’d thought I’d found my soulmate in Greyson and that bond….it felt tainted to me for so many reasons. I’d thought, in the early excitement of winning the war, I could…I don’t know, give him something and had asked him to stay in Velaris. That was my fault.

“Unless you can change my sisters’ views towards me…I don’t think there’s anything you can do,” I said.

Feyre still viewed me as weak and helpless. And apparently Nesta viewed me self-centered and unbending. Which in many ways…could have made me laugh coming from her? I’d always admired her for it though. Her strength and the way she was strong enough to want to take care of herself too. That was something I knew Feyre herself had struggled with.

“I don’t think I could sway, Nesta. She doesn’t like me very much,” he said.

“Don’t take it personally. She doesn’t like anyone very much.”

“She likes you.”

“Not anymore she doesn’t.”

He was silent for a moment, and I risked a glance to him. He looked chastised, like he felt guilty for saying it.

“Nesta is dealing with stuff. And she does that by pushing people away. I never thought she’d push me away. And…that was my fault, I guess. For thinking that.”

“No. No, that’s not…not your fault. Feyre had talked about you two a bit. And I think I would be surprised too if I were you. It sounded like you two had always been close.”

I felt a pang of guilt, knowing that in whatever stories he heard from Feyre about Nesta and I, were the reality of us neglecting her. I still hated myself for that.

I shrugged. And moved to continue walking. I wouldn’t necessarily mind if he joined me right then, but I wanted to get home.

“I could talk to Feyre though,” he offered, falling into step with me.

“I’m not sure what good it would do,” I admitted. “I helped her when she asked us before Hybern. I came up with a plan to help the humans. I stabbed the king of Hybern, and she still insists on keeping me out of everything. If actions aren’t good enough for her, I don’t think words will mean anything to her.”

I’d given up trying to prove anything to the inner circle. Except for Azriel, given that he’d been the only one who had provided a much-needed tether that had helped me find my way back to myself. And had tried to teach me things that would be useful, had wanted me to have something to protect myself with because no one else had. And I had grown to appreciate that about Azriel. And perhaps that had also distracted me from Lucien.

“I would still like to try…if it was okay with you,” he said softly.

“You can try if you like,” I conceded. It felt like it would be a waste, but he wanted to try to help. And I supposed that I could appreciate.

“I will see what I can do for you then, lady.”

I paused. He’d called me that when we’d first truly had a moment to speak. When I’d felt so out of body and couldn’t tell what was real and what was not.

“I never thanked you,” I said. “For the Solstice gift. They were very thoughtful.”

I could almost hear the disappointment in his voice as he answered, “You hate them.”

That stirred the guilty feeling in me. “No. I…I don’t _hate_ them…”

“You haven’t used them though…have you?”

I sighed. “No.”

We walked in an awkward silence for a moment, I could have tried to figure him out. But I didn’t want to. It felt wrong, like an invasion. “I just…I like the feel of the dirt and plants,” I explained gently. “And gloves can sometimes make it hard to be as gentle as you might need to for some things. They were, well and truly thoughtful though. I…I should have gotten you something.”

His hand touched my shoulder, stopping me. It made me nervous almost. “No. No, you didn’t have to get me anything. I just thought, it might be a nice gesture from me…”

I looked up at him. “I know that the bond is important to you. And I know you’d like to have what Rhys and Feyre have. But…I cannot give you that. Right now, I cannot even give you a maybe.”

“It’s okay. We don’t have- “

“I just…I don’t want you to forever hope for something I cannot promise you. I loved Greyson. And despite the fact that he does not love me anymore, I cannot just turn those feelings off. I cannot just try to have something new like that. Not when I know what it means to you. I don’t want to do that to you.” 

He nodded. “I…I appreciate your concern. But you are not alone in being heartbroken, lady. I lost the woman I loved. And while it was a long time ago, it is something I do not think I am truly over,” he said. And that had surprised me. I hadn’t known that about him, though I had known very little about him. “But I would like to get to know you better. And give you a chance to get to know me. If you ultimately reject the bond, I will respect your wishes. But I understand you are concerned with other things first and foremost.”

I opened my mouth but couldn’t put into words what I was thinking yet. So, I moved to keep walking. It was a few blocks in silence before I could finally say anything. “I suppose, it couldn’t hurt for us to maybe be friends. Like you and my sister,” I offered. It was a start. And hopefully one he could accept.

“I think that would be a good place, for both of us,” he agreed. “Can we start by allowing me to finish escorting you home?”

I gave a subtle nod. And as we walked, the silence felt a little less awkward. But I was exhausted. I’d felt so much in such a little amount of time that by the time we reached the town house, I said goodbye, walked up to my bedroom and curled up on my bed before falling asleep. I had barely even remembered to kick off my shoes, but I remained wrapped in my cloak, with Lucien’s jacket draped over my shoulders.


End file.
